By Letitia M. Cooper
For most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is often a time of family reunion, socializing, and celebration - a time when families, friends, and coworkers come together to share good will and good food. The season is meant to be bright, happy, and full of the best of relationships. Yet, for those who suffer with eating disorders, this is often the worst time of the year. For those who are trapped in the private hell of anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, the Holidays often magnify their personal struggles, causing them great internal pain and turmoil.Over the past few years, during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season I have felt horrible. I felt trapped and like the food was out to get me. I lied on endless occasions to avoid all of the parties and big dinners that go along with the holidays. I felt horrible about my body and did not want anyone to see me eat for fear they would make judgments about me." Eighteen-year-old woman These quotes from women suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating reveal the emotional intensity they feel during the holiday season. Their fear of gaining weight and becoming, in their minds, fat, gross, and disgusting, is the monster they must deal with every time they partake of any of the foods that are so wonderful and common to the holidays.
At Center for Change, we have asked many patients over the years to share from their private experiences what the Holidays have been like during the years they suffered with an eating disorder. The women quoted in this article are of different ages, but all suffered with the illness for many years. As you read the following passages you will feel something of the agony of suffering with an eating disorder at this festive time of year.
"Unlike any other normal teenager, I always hated it when the holiday season would roll around. It meant that I would have to face my two worst enemies - food and people, and a lot of them. I always felt completely out of place and such a wicked child in such a happy environment. I was the only person who didn't love food, people, and celebrations. Rather, holidays for me were a celebration of fear and isolation. I would lock myself in my room. Maybe no one else gained weight over the holidays, but just the smell of food added weight to my body. My anorexia destroyed any happiness or relationships I could possibly have had." -Nineteen-year-old woman
Eating disorders have a big impact on society on a small and on a large scale; meaning both individuals and society as a whole dedicate significant parts of their lives to the struggles of dealing with eating disorders. A lot of money and time go into the troubles of dealing with an eating disorder, as well as into the measures taken in order to treat and prevent them. Eating disorders are very common amongst celebrities, mainly because their profession puts pressure on them to be skinny. The majority of celebrities that we see in the media are all skinny, and most of them are anorexic or bulimic. The fans of these celebrities look at the bodies of their idols and they want to be like them. The problem with this is that anorexic and skinny celebrities do not make good role models for their fans because their skinny figures are not a healthy look to follow. Famous people believe that in order to be successful they must be skinny. This is not true. Celebrities expose their looks and body image to the media where fans can see them and get the wrong idea that their idol's looks are acceptable when their idols are only trying to lose weight for their own "success". In a weight article, Monica Seles stated that "Women in society have much tougher pressure to be thin." It is like a cycle; celebrities are skinny in order to impress their fans and companies. They send their fans the wrong idea, thus making their fans lose weight. In the end, everyone has the idea that they must be thin and they must lose weight, thus, being skinny becomes the norm.
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
It can be helpful during the holiday season to break activities into smaller numbers of people, when possible.It is easier and less overwhelming to deal with five people than fifty people. Invite your friends or family members to participate in smaller, quieter, and less chaotic social activities and events. Simple talking and sharing as a small circle of family members or friends can do much to increase the sense of belonging and safety for someone with an eating disorder. Encourage your family member or friend to gather extra support around themselves during the holidays.
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
The importance of these quotes from clients in treatment for anorexia is found in their honest expression of the tremendous pressure and conflict they feel inside in response to the normal food and social activities of the season. Their internal suffering and pain are often hidden from those around them by their continual remarks about "being fat," or may also be hidden in their patterns of avoidance and withdrawal from social involvements."The secrecy and lying make it very difficult for me during the holiday season. I have to decide whether to restrict my food or to binge and then sneak away to purge." -Twenty-two-year-old-woman."Having an eating disorder during the holidays presents quite a contradiction in my mind. I anticipate all the food and get excited, while at the same time I dread the many family members around. I feel that the family is over to "watch". I know that they simply want to reach out and help, but I feel that a big help would be to make a concerted effort to shift the holiday focus from the food to the underlying purpose. I wish the food could be a minor deal, just an accessory to the holiday, rather than the focus." -Twenty-year-old woman
When going into a family or social event, especially if people are aware of the eating disorder problem, it is helpful that everyone talks honestly about what will help and what will not help during the event. Armed with this knowledge, family and friends can set up some structure around holiday activities that is agreeable to all parties involved. Give reassurance about your desire to "be supportive" of them without trying to control every problem. You can respond to their feedback about what may be helpful to them by making positive adjustments. It helps to express love, gratitude, respect, and acceptance for your loved one.
Personally, I don't think that the media will ever be an effective resource for people to learn the truth and to learn about eating disorders. The media spreads a lot of false information and people tend to misinterpret the messages they hear on TV. Companies try to sell us products that will reduce our weight and make ourselves look "beautiful" by spending millions of dollars on advertisements. Consumers spend a lot of money and time trying to lose weight and buying these products that are not what the body needs. I believe that our bodies know what they need and ever one's body is different. Everyone has a different metabolism and shape, and we have to learn how to love ourselves for who we are. We need to teach children at a young age that what they say on TV is not what it is cracked up to be and that they need to have self confidence, because if they don't create an image for themselves, the media will do it for them.
At Center for Change, we have asked many patients over the years to share from their private experiences what the Holidays have been like during the years they suffered with an eating disorder. The women quoted in this article are of different ages, but all suffered with the illness for many years. As you read the following passages you will feel something of the agony of suffering with an eating disorder at this festive time of year.
"Unlike any other normal teenager, I always hated it when the holiday season would roll around. It meant that I would have to face my two worst enemies - food and people, and a lot of them. I always felt completely out of place and such a wicked child in such a happy environment. I was the only person who didn't love food, people, and celebrations. Rather, holidays for me were a celebration of fear and isolation. I would lock myself in my room. Maybe no one else gained weight over the holidays, but just the smell of food added weight to my body. My anorexia destroyed any happiness or relationships I could possibly have had." -Nineteen-year-old woman
Eating disorders have a big impact on society on a small and on a large scale; meaning both individuals and society as a whole dedicate significant parts of their lives to the struggles of dealing with eating disorders. A lot of money and time go into the troubles of dealing with an eating disorder, as well as into the measures taken in order to treat and prevent them. Eating disorders are very common amongst celebrities, mainly because their profession puts pressure on them to be skinny. The majority of celebrities that we see in the media are all skinny, and most of them are anorexic or bulimic. The fans of these celebrities look at the bodies of their idols and they want to be like them. The problem with this is that anorexic and skinny celebrities do not make good role models for their fans because their skinny figures are not a healthy look to follow. Famous people believe that in order to be successful they must be skinny. This is not true. Celebrities expose their looks and body image to the media where fans can see them and get the wrong idea that their idol's looks are acceptable when their idols are only trying to lose weight for their own "success". In a weight article, Monica Seles stated that "Women in society have much tougher pressure to be thin." It is like a cycle; celebrities are skinny in order to impress their fans and companies. They send their fans the wrong idea, thus making their fans lose weight. In the end, everyone has the idea that they must be thin and they must lose weight, thus, being skinny becomes the norm.
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
It can be helpful during the holiday season to break activities into smaller numbers of people, when possible.It is easier and less overwhelming to deal with five people than fifty people. Invite your friends or family members to participate in smaller, quieter, and less chaotic social activities and events. Simple talking and sharing as a small circle of family members or friends can do much to increase the sense of belonging and safety for someone with an eating disorder. Encourage your family member or friend to gather extra support around themselves during the holidays.
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
The importance of these quotes from clients in treatment for anorexia is found in their honest expression of the tremendous pressure and conflict they feel inside in response to the normal food and social activities of the season. Their internal suffering and pain are often hidden from those around them by their continual remarks about "being fat," or may also be hidden in their patterns of avoidance and withdrawal from social involvements."The secrecy and lying make it very difficult for me during the holiday season. I have to decide whether to restrict my food or to binge and then sneak away to purge." -Twenty-two-year-old-woman."Having an eating disorder during the holidays presents quite a contradiction in my mind. I anticipate all the food and get excited, while at the same time I dread the many family members around. I feel that the family is over to "watch". I know that they simply want to reach out and help, but I feel that a big help would be to make a concerted effort to shift the holiday focus from the food to the underlying purpose. I wish the food could be a minor deal, just an accessory to the holiday, rather than the focus." -Twenty-year-old woman
When going into a family or social event, especially if people are aware of the eating disorder problem, it is helpful that everyone talks honestly about what will help and what will not help during the event. Armed with this knowledge, family and friends can set up some structure around holiday activities that is agreeable to all parties involved. Give reassurance about your desire to "be supportive" of them without trying to control every problem. You can respond to their feedback about what may be helpful to them by making positive adjustments. It helps to express love, gratitude, respect, and acceptance for your loved one.
Personally, I don't think that the media will ever be an effective resource for people to learn the truth and to learn about eating disorders. The media spreads a lot of false information and people tend to misinterpret the messages they hear on TV. Companies try to sell us products that will reduce our weight and make ourselves look "beautiful" by spending millions of dollars on advertisements. Consumers spend a lot of money and time trying to lose weight and buying these products that are not what the body needs. I believe that our bodies know what they need and ever one's body is different. Everyone has a different metabolism and shape, and we have to learn how to love ourselves for who we are. We need to teach children at a young age that what they say on TV is not what it is cracked up to be and that they need to have self confidence, because if they don't create an image for themselves, the media will do it for them.
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